::cella:: to run with the lights…or to sink into the abyss

It all seemed ok, for a while.

The sun shone and the sky was blue, not a cloud in sight. Trees blossomed and flowers poked their heads out from beneath the ground, which had softened, allowing them through..

I let myself think that this was it. This was my happy ever after. And now the storm’s set in, heavier and darker than ever before.

The air suffocates, the rain keeps on falling, like the tears down my cheeks.

The sky is dark, I can’t see further than a couple of inches ahead of me.

Everything is so unsure, so uncertain.

Back in my darkest moments, when the thoughts of climbing into that hole and hiding there until I can no longer feel are here once more.

I cry as I pray, asking Him why He’s making me go through all this. Why did I have to survive, when surely I should be dead? Why do I have to keep going? Why can’t someone take the pain, the fear and the terror away from me so I can cope again?

I wake and cry, and the tears carry on in dribs and drabs all day through. Sometimes they’re little tears, falling down my cheeks, indicating my unhappiness only to those who stop, look and notice. Other times, great sobs shake my body, as I fall to the ground, crying, pleading for it all to stop.

I doubt myself. Once upon a time I wanted to get better; I thought we’d get better. I was even led into a false sense of security, where, for a while, it all seemed like it was going to be ok.

Then the sky fell in and the storm started up again.

It seems, whatever happens, wherever I go, the storm’s never far behind.

And it hits me when I least expect it.

And every time it hits, it hits harder.

Until, one day, I’m sure - it’s going to kill me.