green, red, ugly - me

every now and then something inside consumes me. it turns me into this evil monster where i think nasty thoughts, do despicable, embarrassing things, and chase all who are dear to me away. sometimes im filled with so much rage and jealousy its becomes so hard to breathe, let alone think rationally.

sometimes i wish i could run away and hide. with my back turned to the world, with my heart free from love, free from desire, void of any feelings at all. sometimes i wish the huge blue sky would take me in, to hide me in its vastness, to keep me warm amidst the clouds. sometimes i wish i could ride into the sunset, so fast that the green eyed monster wouldn’t be able to chase me.

but running doesn’t really solve the problem, does it? hiding doesn’t really make the problem disappear. and like the saying goes, its better to love then lost than to never have loved at all. maybe sometimes love just ain’t enough. maybe sometimes thoughts just ain’t enough. maybe, maybe you’ll never know if life walks you by in a circle and slaps you twice in the face for not living now.

sometimes the only way to subdue the demon is to shed a tear of two. only then does the storm subside, only then does sunlight start shining through the fog of darkness. green turns to blue and red to pink. i still stay ugly but at least it becomes easier to breathe. and only then do i realise the truth. that you never meant to hurt me. that you only wanted what was best for me. so now, from the depths of my heart, i bow down before you, and offer you my sincerest apologies and thanks.